Our Stillbirth Tragedy: Remembering A Terrible Day

Suffering a Stillbirth and losing a child

I typically don’t share a ton of personal posts about myself, my kids or my family.  I try to keep things positive on my site and fill it with projects to inspire or delicious recipes to make dinner easy.  This blog is my happy space, a way to use my creativity and pass it on to others.

That being said, I decided to share a very personal story with my readers.  October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, which happens to also be the month we lost our daughter.  I had a stillbirth after carrying our daughter for over 7 months.

Life isn’t fair, it just isn’t.  Things happen that we have no control over.  We do the right things and still you end up on a path that you never saw coming or knew how to find your way off of.

I was six months pregnant when I had an ultrasound and found out I was having a little girl.  The excitement was beyond words, our first child was only months away.  During the ultrasound, the doctor told us that she was measuring small and we needed to do some further testing and figure out what was going on.

I had some testing done and was put on bed rest.  I complied and followed all the doctors suggestions and assumed that everything would be just fine, if I followed their orders.  I might have a small baby, but she would be ok in the end.

A couple weeks went by, I stayed on bed rest and basically just ate and slept.  I knew the months would be long without being able to get up and move about but it would be worth it.  It was stressful though, I know I drove my husband crazy between worrying and not being able to do anything.

I had a follow up ultrasound scheduled for October 29th, the doctor was doing rounds at the hospital so they scheduled it to be done there and our appointment immediately after the ultrasound.  So, we waited for that day to see if she was growing any better.

About four days before my appointment, something changed.  I stopped feeling my baby move and I got sick with symptoms similar to the stomach flu.  I knew something wasn’t right, I asked everyone what they thought.  Everybody tried to be optimistic and encourage me.  “She’s just small, so maybe you won’t feel her move all the time”.  Truth be told, she was gone and even if I had went in to the doctor at that moment, there was nothing that could have been done.

We went to my scheduled appointment on the 29th.  I remember getting ready for it, feeling as if I was going to a funeral, not wanting to go but knowing that I had to.

I remember like it was yesterday, but it was 12 years ago.  The moment the tech started the ultrasound and not seeing that flickering heart movement on the screen was one of the worst moments of my life.  I knew what it ment, my baby was gone.  She didn’t need to tell me, but she did and told us how sorry she was.  Looking back, I cannot even imagine how hard it is for the nurse or tech to give parents that type of news.

After that, the details become a little more fuzzy for me.  I remember calling my parents and them getting to the hospital to be by our sides.

I’m not sure that everyone realizes that when you loose a baby, you still have to deliver that child.  You still go through the entire process, but in the end you don’t have that beautiful healthy baby to take home.

They induced me and we prepared to have our little girl that night.  That’s when things get worse.  I know, seriously, how could it get any worse?  Well, it did.

I got toxic as soon as they induced me.  My blood pressure was out of control high, I went into kidney and liver failure.  I can’t remember much of anything at that point, I just remember telling everyone to let me hold my baby when I deliver.

Life isn’t fair, I lost a child and nearly my life.  My husband and my lives were changed forever on that day, actually many people’s lives were changed on that day.  We buried a child, my parents buried a grandchild, this isn’t something that people ever imagine doing.  But, it happened.

If you have made it through this entire story and you’re still reading.  Thank you.  The point of it isn’t to make you sad or to feel sorry for us.  This was a long time ago, I don’t talk about it much except around this time of year.  But, it’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and I wanted to share how these things happen to people and you may not even know.

When we lost Allison on October 30th, I remember crying to a close friend that I didn’t want people to forget her, I didn’t want life to go on and no one to remember her.  It doesn’t hurt me when people bring her up, it doesn’t make me sad to talk about her or what happened, I would rather people remember that she was important to me and my husband.

That’s what Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month is all about, remembering and never forgetting.

When I have a friend who sends a card on October 30th or calls to tell me they are thinking of me that day, it tells me that they remember.  They remember too.

Please, take a minute this month to let the friends and family in your life who have suffered these painful losses know that you are thinking of them and the child they lost.

Give them that hug and tell them you’re there if they need you.  I promise they will appreciate it and be grateful.

To everyone out there who has suffered through pregnancy or infant loss, know that you’re not alone and we are thinking of you this month!